That day, when I came to know about my result of backlog, it cut the ground under my feet. I got a ghastly fissure on me. Again, I was failed. I had completed my college journey but, this backlog hinged me at the same place. I gave many attempts to clear it but, it was still a thorn on my way to becoming a successful engineer. I was traumatized, not because I failed the test again but, because of the things that I had already imagined about this parochial society, who was ready in ambush to pelt the stones of shame on my family. My friends and siblings, condescending me because of my failure. Failing in the examination made a dent in my life, which would have costed a big piece of peace of my mind, time and energy. I never imagined the severity of that loss. My engineering degree was at stake; my four years were at stake. The hope and faith, that my elders had on me, was about to get destroyed. Moreover, I was sent to college to pursue higher education and I failed to stand on the expectations of my elders. That day, I empathised with the people who get depressed and at last commit suicide. I was behaving as if I have lost all my senses. I wasn’t talking to anyone.
I used to live with my elder brother and sister-in-law, during my college stint. They were my good friends. I had a separate room. On the day of my result, in the suppertime, my elder brother asked me,
“So, how was your result?”
I wasn’t able to face this question and I was quiet, for a few seconds.
My elder brother and sister-in-law took a pause from eating, waiting for my answer, eagerly.
I was looking down and after a few seconds, tears started trickling down from my eyes. I was trying to keep everything within me and tell them just the result.
My brother got into the agony of suspense when he found me crying, like an infant. My sister-in-law handed me a glass of water. I took a sip and I held my head down. I didn’t have enough courage to look at them. They both were guardians-cum-friends to me. My brother touched my chin and held my head up. He made me look into their eyes and then asked me to answer. I took a few more seconds to subdue his agony.
“I haven’t cleared it, this time also”, I said.
To my surprise, they both started laughing out loud. I got into a dilemma of how-to-respond-in-the-situation. Maybe, they didn’t take my failure so seriously or maybe, to not let me feel depressed, they took everything, lightly. But, I was not feeling any better about it. I wasn’t able to refrain from imagining the loss I would have got in the future.
There was a balcony, where I started spending my lonely time. I stopped interacting with many people. Gradually, I started spending most of my night over there. Sitting on a chair, looking at the cars and lights on the distant flyover, watching the mobile world under this dark sky. I was able to feel the silence outside more than the blackout, which I was suffering inside. The turmoil, prevailing in my mind was forcing me to take some action. I started losing my appetite, I seldom had my meals. Most of the time, I remained awake, drifting myself into the arms of insomnia. I started keeping myself isolated from everyone so, that I could skip from reality.
Gradually, the things started to get culminated, creating a ruckus in my mind. Since, four days, I didn’t go out of the house. Most of the time, I wanted to scream out loud, standing on that balcony and stop those incessant thoughts, that was driving my mind. It was 3 o’clock in the morning when I was using my i-pad and suddenly, blood started spilling out of my nose. I got bewildered, looking at the blood, anxiously. I knew that it was happening because of the stress that I developed over time. I rushed towards the washroom and cleaned the blood. I was aware that I was suffering from insomnia. I wanted to sleep but I wasn’t able to. I was scared about the various cases which I had already heard where people, suffering from insomnia, got internal bleeding and them, eventually, died. I went to the kitchen and made a strong coffee, which I gulped down, in a few minutes. I, eventually, went to sleep after wallowing for an hour on my bed.
Next day, when I woke up I had an idea in my mind that I could ask for the rechecking of my answer sheets. I wanted to give it a try to save the sinking ship. I needed to fill a form and fee for the rechecking, on the same day only. I don’t know how I galvanized in that scorching heat and rushed for my college, which almost took 3 hours to be there. When I reached there, it was 5 o’clock, when most of the teachers already leave for their home.
In a jiffy, I ran towards the examination department, yanking my tired body in the right direction. I managed to reach there on time and took the form but, it needed the sign of my HOD, to get it submitted. I didn’t give any second thought and ran towards the parking. When I reached the parking lot, his car was almost started to move towards the exit gate. That day, I ran lifelessly, just for a signature. I called him, “Sir… Sir… Please stop… Please stop… for a second.”
He heard my voice and stopped his car. He came out of his car and asked me,
“What happened, beta? Why you are chasing me, like an insane?”
I was gasping for my breath. And then, after getting control over my breath, I asked him to sign on that form. He signed it, without questioning anything. I, finally, submitted the form for rechecking. That day, I was not the same person as I used to be. I hustled for the thing that mattered to me, I was never like that. That day changed my life, teaching me an important lesson. You need to work hard for your things. You need to do your things on your own. You can’t expect someone else to do it, for you.
“Bhaagwan ke bharose mat baitho, kya pata bhagwan tumhare bharose hi baitha ho”
After a few days, results were out and this time, I cleared my backlog. That day, I cried like anything. It was a remarkable day of my life.